Its a shame that a big part of the reason I haven't 'progressed' very far in my life past high school and have few non-familial relationships is because I periodically see things that others don't see in a way others generally don't. Mainly because there comes the time when I don't see these things in that way anymore and I essentially have nothing to show for it. I can't remember let alone explain my thoughts or actions for months at a time, all I have is wasted days in my mind and a life with little to show externally. Whatever 'progress' I make is usually shortchanged by the very process by which it was gained. My mind is and has been sick as pestilence so whatever lessons of love and enlightenment I learn are generally cheapened, washed or worse just by the sickness in my mind as it hijacks the show in spite of itself. I am losing hope in vindication, but i desperately still want it. I want to be able to achieve something in this state that I can carry out of it and be like, "See, it was all worth it!". I have used up so much of my family and others time and effort, I have frayed so many relationships, caused so much tension I don't even know. It gets worse for me when I'm alone, but I feel its worse for others when I'm around them. I'm trying to find a balance, and know when this levels out it will be easier but its hard.