Transitioning Crossroads

I am confused, inundated with mixed signals. I feel like the great share of my rage has dissipated at relative harmlessness to anyone but me in the real world. I can see clearly now that how I feel, think and act affects my world at large more than I ever thought it could. My soul feels like its on the mend, my heart is healing but my mind is still in tatters. For a long time my mind has been shooting out negative thoughts that affect my world in ways that were indefensible. They were clear delineations of thoughts that I had, but not that I realized that I had nurtured. I tried to shut them down as much as possible and feel like I have learned how to see them coming and how to mute them, but as far as I learn how to control and alleviate my mind seems to jump in front of it. Now, my mind is shooting ridiculous things that even in my past negative states I knew would have been ridiculous. The other night I was at a bar having a beer when I saw a black man who I thought was talking about me and my mind shot of a "Don't be pointing at me nigger." I have never thought that before or wanted to think that before, and these fights in my head against myself put me in a place where I can't act as I want. If I go around getting angry about race and sexuality, it is easy to read that on my face and the world around me reacts negatively to me. I am trying to transform thoughts of racism, sex towards anyone, separation and loveless issues, gender problems, substance abuse and rage at the same time. I feel like I am making genuine progress, but I am still very sensitive to negative stimulation, and the world is very sensitive still to me. I feel like if I am trying to either work something out or just live my life, I am being judged though by thought by my surroundings. Its not happening as rapid as it used to and I am better equipped to see it coming and deal with it so I am happy about that and know it will get better but it is still distressing. Really I guess, I am better off now than when I used to get depressed because I can better identify why I am sad and do my best to address it. I also have sincere hope now that everything will get better in a real way. I know I have a long road ahead of me, and it might keep being hard for a while and get hard again down the road but I want  to start appreciating that things are getting better. Without pure mania, I do feel a bit more lonely, but that's because I have lost a great deal of internal mental connections. I now that in the real world I live in every day, between family and friends with work I can have a lot of great and fulfilling relationships but that they will not be so overnight. Though I want them to. At this point, I just need to start putting real life work into my real life and I feel like things will work out. Day by day we will see, its all that I can do.