Hiking Up The Path

I am frustrated. All my life I've had shit tons of energy I threw all over the place that was mostly well received. Separately, I grew a ton of gross sexual energy purposefully in denigration because I got off on the shame of it. Now, in understanding that, I'm doing my best to neutralize that energy by drawing out the negative sexual energy I've associated with pornography by not watching it anymore and moving on with my life. I want to meet a real girl someday who I can throw my sexual energy into in a positive, constructive way. Of course I want that to be soon, but am under the crystal clear impression I need to get my shit sorted out first. But, I do want to get back to the place where I can be harmlessly wild, if there is such a thing. Its annoying, because when I put all my sexual energy into masturbation at stupid shit, no one really cared where I threw my energy around because it was seen as harmless. Now that I'm really trying to better myself physically, spiritually and mentally so I can find a girl I feel like I'm being dragged through the coals. I have done a lot of fucked up fantasy masturbating and fantasy itself, but I'm trying to separate it from my world. I don't know, I've always loved flirting with girls I knew and guess I'm going to find out how to have relationships without expecting sex with them. I think the crossover, one of them, is that I always love flirting because I never really expect the girl to seriously consider me as an option, but always hoped she would. I guess I have been fantasizing life will work out for me and respond to me so long it freaks me out that it is now sort of responding in weird ways. I have always been lucky and blessed but I just used to throw energy all over the place and not think of consequences, and be frustrated that it never worked out but in that frustration felt secure and safe. Now that I actually feel confident enough to maybe get into a relationship with a girl, I'm having a hard time rectifying myself. I have become so comfortable throwing my energy into girls and not expecting anything back, though I wanted something back, that I am caught between confidence and the lack of it. Also, I feel like my faults have been communicated throughout my world and it is infuriating me. I can't looking anywhere without seeing my sexual shame and it hurts me. It leaves me without defense, because the sexual fantasies I had were so grotesque, because it is hard to explain to myself and others that I saw my sexual energy to be harmless because nothing ever came of it. I have only a handful of times ever come anywhere close to having sex with a girl, and always either backed out of or had it backed out of that I lost touch with reality in my sexual world. It became just watching it to be grossed out and getting off on that, but on things I would never do in real life or anywhere near it, but now I am being dragged down through the lowest parts of myself. I feel like every little thing I think and do are being judged based not on how I normally think but on the lowest form of how I think. In my lowest forms I am a violent and aggressive animal, and is a side I only really use as a defense against attacks. I feel like I have been in a constant state of being attacked for over a week and have no fuse left. I am in no place to be taking any more shit, my threshold has been way passed. I am angry because life seems to be working out for me, or at least I have gained more appreciation for it, and that I am left now in a place of resentment. I am trying to get away form my old patterns but feel like I am still being judged for my lowest forms. In every relationship I have, just like anyone, there are things I am angry and resentful for for good and bad reasons. I want to understand that and move past it, and am getting angry others aren't doing the same. I can't control how, when or if they do but the fact that I am angry about so much judgement in my life is leaving me in a place where I can't respond to individual people normally. I am so angry at my entire life at once that it is near impossible to find any separation or reality. I wanted this to happen, that I recognize everything I have done wrong and learn from it, but wanted it to be a personal journey. It has now bled into every part of my life and I am furious, mainly because I know it can get better and am impatient for it to. Every time this has happened I would just get locked up and separated from my family for a while and this would all die down. I want to be able to do this a free man so that from now on when if things go bad in my life I will be able to handle it without starting my life over again. I have been cycling in and out of the ward since I was 17 in 2010, I am now 21 in 2014. I want to move along with my life. I also don't want other people to be hurt by it and feel like I am sacrificing their happiness to do it, but I want this to be the last time. I don't want to fall now only to get up and fall again, I want to stay on my feet even if I need to spend some time bent or on my knees. As long as I don't totally crash and fall out I will have succeeded. I will have lost my innocence, and maybe a whole lot of luck, but I know I can come back eventually. I have done it before, and will do it now. I am crushed by how I have negatively affected other people intentionally or not, and want to be in a place where I can make myself and others happy again. I just have to keep faith things will get better and I know they will.