Its a shame that a big part of the reason I haven't 'progressed' very far in my life past high school and have few non-familial relationships is because I periodically see things that others don't see in a way others generally don't. Mainly because there comes the time when I don't see these things in that way anymore and I essentially have nothing to show for it. I can't remember let alone explain my thoughts or actions for months at a time, all I have is wasted days in my mind and a life with little to show externally. Whatever 'progress' I make is usually shortchanged by the very process by which it was gained. My mind is and has been sick as pestilence so whatever lessons of love and enlightenment I learn are generally cheapened, washed or worse just by the sickness in my mind as it hijacks the show in spite of itself. I am losing hope in vindication, but i desperately still want it. I want to be able to achieve something in this state that I can carry out of it and be like, "See, it was all worth it!". I have used up so much of my family and others time and effort, I have frayed so many relationships, caused so much tension I don't even know. It gets worse for me when I'm alone, but I feel its worse for others when I'm around them. I'm trying to find a balance, and know when this levels out it will be easier but its hard.

Transitioning Crossroads

I am confused, inundated with mixed signals. I feel like the great share of my rage has dissipated at relative harmlessness to anyone but me in the real world. I can see clearly now that how I feel, think and act affects my world at large more than I ever thought it could. My soul feels like its on the mend, my heart is healing but my mind is still in tatters. For a long time my mind has been shooting out negative thoughts that affect my world in ways that were indefensible. They were clear delineations of thoughts that I had, but not that I realized that I had nurtured. I tried to shut them down as much as possible and feel like I have learned how to see them coming and how to mute them, but as far as I learn how to control and alleviate my mind seems to jump in front of it. Now, my mind is shooting ridiculous things that even in my past negative states I knew would have been ridiculous. The other night I was at a bar having a beer when I saw a black man who I thought was talking about me and my mind shot of a "Don't be pointing at me nigger." I have never thought that before or wanted to think that before, and these fights in my head against myself put me in a place where I can't act as I want. If I go around getting angry about race and sexuality, it is easy to read that on my face and the world around me reacts negatively to me. I am trying to transform thoughts of racism, sex towards anyone, separation and loveless issues, gender problems, substance abuse and rage at the same time. I feel like I am making genuine progress, but I am still very sensitive to negative stimulation, and the world is very sensitive still to me. I feel like if I am trying to either work something out or just live my life, I am being judged though by thought by my surroundings. Its not happening as rapid as it used to and I am better equipped to see it coming and deal with it so I am happy about that and know it will get better but it is still distressing. Really I guess, I am better off now than when I used to get depressed because I can better identify why I am sad and do my best to address it. I also have sincere hope now that everything will get better in a real way. I know I have a long road ahead of me, and it might keep being hard for a while and get hard again down the road but I want  to start appreciating that things are getting better. Without pure mania, I do feel a bit more lonely, but that's because I have lost a great deal of internal mental connections. I now that in the real world I live in every day, between family and friends with work I can have a lot of great and fulfilling relationships but that they will not be so overnight. Though I want them to. At this point, I just need to start putting real life work into my real life and I feel like things will work out. Day by day we will see, its all that I can do.

Hiking Up The Path

I am frustrated. All my life I've had shit tons of energy I threw all over the place that was mostly well received. Separately, I grew a ton of gross sexual energy purposefully in denigration because I got off on the shame of it. Now, in understanding that, I'm doing my best to neutralize that energy by drawing out the negative sexual energy I've associated with pornography by not watching it anymore and moving on with my life. I want to meet a real girl someday who I can throw my sexual energy into in a positive, constructive way. Of course I want that to be soon, but am under the crystal clear impression I need to get my shit sorted out first. But, I do want to get back to the place where I can be harmlessly wild, if there is such a thing. Its annoying, because when I put all my sexual energy into masturbation at stupid shit, no one really cared where I threw my energy around because it was seen as harmless. Now that I'm really trying to better myself physically, spiritually and mentally so I can find a girl I feel like I'm being dragged through the coals. I have done a lot of fucked up fantasy masturbating and fantasy itself, but I'm trying to separate it from my world. I don't know, I've always loved flirting with girls I knew and guess I'm going to find out how to have relationships without expecting sex with them. I think the crossover, one of them, is that I always love flirting because I never really expect the girl to seriously consider me as an option, but always hoped she would. I guess I have been fantasizing life will work out for me and respond to me so long it freaks me out that it is now sort of responding in weird ways. I have always been lucky and blessed but I just used to throw energy all over the place and not think of consequences, and be frustrated that it never worked out but in that frustration felt secure and safe. Now that I actually feel confident enough to maybe get into a relationship with a girl, I'm having a hard time rectifying myself. I have become so comfortable throwing my energy into girls and not expecting anything back, though I wanted something back, that I am caught between confidence and the lack of it. Also, I feel like my faults have been communicated throughout my world and it is infuriating me. I can't looking anywhere without seeing my sexual shame and it hurts me. It leaves me without defense, because the sexual fantasies I had were so grotesque, because it is hard to explain to myself and others that I saw my sexual energy to be harmless because nothing ever came of it. I have only a handful of times ever come anywhere close to having sex with a girl, and always either backed out of or had it backed out of that I lost touch with reality in my sexual world. It became just watching it to be grossed out and getting off on that, but on things I would never do in real life or anywhere near it, but now I am being dragged down through the lowest parts of myself. I feel like every little thing I think and do are being judged based not on how I normally think but on the lowest form of how I think. In my lowest forms I am a violent and aggressive animal, and is a side I only really use as a defense against attacks. I feel like I have been in a constant state of being attacked for over a week and have no fuse left. I am in no place to be taking any more shit, my threshold has been way passed. I am angry because life seems to be working out for me, or at least I have gained more appreciation for it, and that I am left now in a place of resentment. I am trying to get away form my old patterns but feel like I am still being judged for my lowest forms. In every relationship I have, just like anyone, there are things I am angry and resentful for for good and bad reasons. I want to understand that and move past it, and am getting angry others aren't doing the same. I can't control how, when or if they do but the fact that I am angry about so much judgement in my life is leaving me in a place where I can't respond to individual people normally. I am so angry at my entire life at once that it is near impossible to find any separation or reality. I wanted this to happen, that I recognize everything I have done wrong and learn from it, but wanted it to be a personal journey. It has now bled into every part of my life and I am furious, mainly because I know it can get better and am impatient for it to. Every time this has happened I would just get locked up and separated from my family for a while and this would all die down. I want to be able to do this a free man so that from now on when if things go bad in my life I will be able to handle it without starting my life over again. I have been cycling in and out of the ward since I was 17 in 2010, I am now 21 in 2014. I want to move along with my life. I also don't want other people to be hurt by it and feel like I am sacrificing their happiness to do it, but I want this to be the last time. I don't want to fall now only to get up and fall again, I want to stay on my feet even if I need to spend some time bent or on my knees. As long as I don't totally crash and fall out I will have succeeded. I will have lost my innocence, and maybe a whole lot of luck, but I know I can come back eventually. I have done it before, and will do it now. I am crushed by how I have negatively affected other people intentionally or not, and want to be in a place where I can make myself and others happy again. I just have to keep faith things will get better and I know they will.

A Single Step Starts Thousands Of Journeys

I am not writing this blog in victory. Were I a victorious man I would be too busy being happy to be in the head space I reside in currently. I am however a fighter. I love a good scrapping, knock down, drag out fight where no one leaves unscathed and bloodless but one also where the fight never really ends. However, I have never physically struck anybody in my life. I fight internal battles that leave me as a hollow shade of the person I used to be, from which I only return out of anger and shame of what I have become. I have been this way ever since I was first put in a pediatric psychiatric ward at 17 and the two times I have gone to adult wards since, and sometimes honestly feel I should have been left there to rot. At first they called me Bi-Polar, but now am on the far side of schizo-effective and my mania, depression and psychosis are spiraling out of control. I am burned out from a long and tiring day fighting demons and losing, with hope fading that I can win. I have read many stories that tell me it grows darker before the dawn, and that hope is the only thing that will lead with the strength to pass through dark times but I just don't know. It seems like whenever I try to be healthy and happy I am dragged down by old demons, but when I get angry the only thing that stops me is my ever waning will not to hurt myself and others and getting locked up in an institution and sent away for months or even years. I feel however that this sickness is not just a random flurry of symptoms but rather a journey in my mind to get to internal happiness and peace that I have been preparing for my whole life. I have been reading heroic stories of freedom and liberation in fairy tales and history for as long as I can remember and long for happiness and freedom from my tribulations more than anything, so I might be able to be a positive, not negative, force in the lives of my loved ones and the world as a whole. I am of the strong belief as well that if I can't reach that here, I can't expect to find any such analogous freedom once I die. So it is out of desperation, not hope, that I start this blog so that I may starting re-mapping my path to freedom as I have tried several times before. I have noticed one thing though, that though my mind seems to be getting more and more torn, my actual physical actions and decisions have been starting to move in a positive direction. The progress has been and remains haphazard though, and a step forward in one direction often is proceeded by at least two collective steps back there or somewhere else. It is my goal to lockstep into progress, to roughneck into inner and outer peace, love and prosperity. It is becoming clearer and clearer that this won't come by ignoring the darkness in my mind but rather but understanding it well enough to recognize how and when I use it. Only by knowing my demons could I ever have the courage or even ability to ever beat them back and repay them for the damage they have created in my life, though it was by my hands they ever existed in the first place. I want to be a better man and know I am on my way to becoming one, but it has not been a bloodless one in mind and spirit, and I am doing all I can to keep it bloodless physically. I wish I could end this on a positive note but all I can do now is pray that tomorrow I might be able to, I'll leave it at that.